A Lesson in Consummation
by Instant Barber
Summary: Nothing like what the title suggests. Excel and Hyatt attempt to make some money by hosting a race between a grasshopper, an earthworm, and a hydra. Just another day, basically. Oneshot, by the way.


This is a one-shot fic I did as a two-part thing I did for Biology - the other is an FLCL fic under the name "The Intricacies of Ironing". Obviously, there are bio terms in here so it may seem educational, but I had to in order to get at least a 60 (which, coincidentally, I did get. Huzzah!)

Disclaimer: The characters and settings in this fic are not owned by me but by Rikdo Koshi. Except Fukuoka. That's owned by Japan. Enjoy.

------------

Things were going normally in F City… well, normal for here, anyway. Excel and Hyatt performed another examination of the populous… and failed miserably. Excel was dropped into "The Pit" when providing insufficient data to Lord Ilpalazzo. Menchi, Excel and Hyatt's dog, was nearly put on the dinner menu once again, and as a result, she tried to escape, but failed… again. The Civil Service employees, disguised in their Power Ranger suits, tried to save the city somehow, but ended up fighting each other instead. Nabeshin was promoting himself shamelessly, Rikdo was writing more Excel Saga graphic novels, and a certain fanfiction writer was starting two short stories the exact same way. So, things were going fine, until… a bear danced in the middle of a street. Then the zookeeper took him back to the zoo so everyone could get on with their lives.

Excel Excel and Hyatt (both codenames) are two females, ages unknown but look to be in their early twenties, who belong to the super secret organization of ACROSS, led by the handsome Lord Ilpalazzo, which is bent on world domination! Unfortunately, it's very tough when those are the only members and their base is a leaky basement (albeit a very large one).

Today, Excel and Hyatt were out of money and food, as usual. "Ha-chan, we may actually end up resorting to our emergency food supply today," said Excel, looking over at Menchi, who reacted with a dreaded expression on her face. "Oh, but Senior, we can't just ingest Ms. Menchi without trying to find some other organism that is equally edible," replied Hyatt. "Well, I guess you're right. It is our duty, as members of ACROSS, to preserve possible candidates for lower membership positions!" "How very noble and wise of you, Senior Excel. However, I don't recall that being a part of our duty." "Oh, right…" Excel said. "So if worse comes to worse, then…" Excel stared at Menchi again, garnering a similar response as the last time.

"Hopefully it won't come to that. Now let's go, Ha-chan." Excel got up and walked to the door, but noticed Hyatt wasn't following. She turned around and saw her on the floor, unconscious, with blood dripping out the side of her mouth. "Not again," sighed Excel as she shook Hyatt gently to try and get her back to normal. Hyatt awoke within a few seconds. "Oh dear, it appears that my anemia has provided a disservice to me once again. If not for my frail immune system, I would be fine." "Yeah, maybe we should get you some vitamin K to help your blood clot." Hyatt replied, "Thank you for the concern, Senior, but I do not believe that would be of any help to my illness…" "Oh, well," said Excel. "It's not like we can buy you anything until we make money. So, let's get crackin'!" "Very well, Senior Excel," said Hyatt as they marched out the door. Meanwhile, Menchi began to devise yet another failing escape plan.

When they were outside of their small apartment, Excel looked around for inspiration. Suddenly, she saw something that caught her attention. _A simple earthworm!_ thought Excel excitedly. _Grasshopper! HYDRA! _A crazy plot began to unfold in her mind; so crazy, in fact, that it was almost guaranteed not to work. But being the type of person she is, she didn't notice nor care, and decided to go ahead with it anyway.

"Ha-chan! How 'bout we set up an animal race and have people bet on it to make money?" Hyatt replied, "That sounds delightful. But how will we make money off of it, Senior?" "Don't worry, you'll see!" said Excel. They both went off and collected the grasshopper, earthworm, and miraculously, the hydra. They then put them under small cardboard boxes, lined them up, and drew lanes with chalk. "All we need now are some healthy, stupid gamblers!" exclaimed Excel. She noticed the four people who shared their apartment building (who were also the only Civil Service members) beginning to go to their rooms. "HEY, HOLD ON!" she screamed at them.

They all stopped and walked over to Excel and Hyatt. The tall man with long hair, called Watanabe, said, "Oh, Ms. Ayasugi! Hello!" He was addressing Hyatt, whose true name he had no idea of. "Oh, hello," she said. Excel cut their conversation short. "Would you guys like to bet on an animal race?" Watanabe answered "yes" for them all, except Matsuya, the most professional member of the group who also happened to be the only woman. "Alright!" said Excel happily. "Take your pick!" Iwata, the idiot of the group, jokingly said, "I'll put 2000 yen on the hydra!" Not knowing he was joking, Hyatt took his money. "Wait! B-but, that's mine!" Watanabe picked next, and put 5000 yen on the grasshopper. _Heh, that was obvious_, he thought. This left Sumiyoshi, the plump, soft-spoken member, with the earthworm, and he put down 3000 yen.

"And, let the races begin!" said Excel as she lifted the cardboard boxes. The hydra struggled valiantly to glide and somersault its way to victory, but alas, it needed water to move, and thus sealed its fate. The grasshopper began very well, using its jointed appendages to its advantage. Using its extensors and flexors to great effect, it leaped a distance that would actually win it the race… had it jumped in the right direction, that is. It ended up hopping all the way back to where it came from. The earthworm, however, was making a steady but sure stride to victory. Going back and forth between use of its longitudinal and circular muscles, with bristles helping along the way, it was sure to cross the finish line eventually. Watanabe and Iwata, admitting their defeats, were ready to hand over their cash to Sumiyoshi, until Excel interrupted them. "NO! The race isn't over! This is an animal race, remember? And since I'm an animal, I count as a competitor!"

She drew herself her own lane, and backed up behind the starting line. Unfortunately, as she ran toward the start, she tripped over a misplaced bucket of water. The water rushed over the hydra and carried it to victory. "YES!" yelled Iwata. " I am the Champ-i-on! Woo!" Iwata smugly took his money away from Watanabe and Sumiyoshi and went into his room, as did the other Civil Service members, while Excel and Hyatt stood there in disbelief. "Well," said Excel, "looks like dog is on the menu tonight." "But Senior, would you look at that wallet all by its lonesome over there?" A sparkle of hope shined in Excel's eyes. She scrambled to the wallet and looked inside. It contained about 25000 yen, two credit cards, and a Civil Service membership card that read, "Employee Iwata".

"Ah, he'll never miss it," said Excel as she and Hyatt made their way to the store.

THE END


End file.
